fun things to do while driving

I am starting year two of grad school, which means I will once again be driving between Corvallis and Portland two nights a week. Way, way too much driving in a straight line if you ask me.

I have a series of things I do to entertain myself during the drive. Ira Glass and the rest of the gang at This American Life soothe me as they deconstruct the lives of average people. I listen to a lot of music. I worship God and pray.

But we're talking about a lot of driving here. And at a certain point, usually with about 30 miles to go, late at night on my way back to Corvallis, I run out of normal, socially acceptable things to do and that's when the drive gets interesting.

So I present you with a list of alternative driving activities. Feel free to borrow these the next time you are on a solo long haul and run out of I-Pod files. I am not saying that I have actually done all of these, but I have done most. And I will probably get bored enough to try the rest.

1. Forget that you are driving a car and instead pretend that your are piloting a small, trusty space fighter. Your job is to penetrate the inner sanctums of a corrupt empire, and all cars in the opposing lanes are enemy craft trying to strike you down. Make your own sound effects and pretend that your headlights are laser guns. Fire them by flashing your brights on and off rapidly.

2. Take advantage of the fact you in a confined space by yourself, and try making a noise that you have never before made in your entire life. This may not sound that exciting at first, but think about it. Here you have an opportunity to break totally new ground, to emit a noise that you never in your wildest dreams imagined a human being could make. Reach deep down into your diaphragm and come up with the strangest, most terrifying sound that you can imagine. It may help to visualize a goal, such as a snuffleupagus stepping on a nail or something like that.

3. Take a trip down memory lane. Try to think of the most embarrassing, stupid thing that you have ever done. Once you locate this memory, it will start to trigger other embarrassing memories. You'll begin to recall all of the really awful, horrendous, totally humiliating things you have done and said. Soon, you won't be able to stop. By the time you reach the end of your trip, you will actually be talking to yourself, saying things like "I'm such an idiot" over and over again.

These are the tricks I am aware of to help fill those hours of desperation when you're in the car, staring at the bleak highway, passing mile after mile of featureless landscape. If you know of any others, please share them with me, because I will have PLENTY of time to give them a try.